My See Saw Life

Today was predictable but the intensity was its own.  I am down and really did not want to blog about it.  Someone who has encouraged me to blog about being Bipolar encouraged me to write while I was experiencing highs and lows, so here I am, doing it.  I mention intensity because no two highs or lows are exactly alike, they do have similarities. The predictably is because I sort of expected to come down, because I had a killer week and expended more energy than normal.  I had lots of appointments  to go to and had a 175 mile round trip car trip as one of  them. I usually plan a little better and spread things out.  I actually enjoyed some of the activities, like seeing a friend, having a great day with a granddaughter and having a wonder massage from my therapist who has been off for a month with a broken wrist.

This morning when I woke up tired I knew I was in trouble.  I had plans for two activities today and  was looking forward to doing them both, and knew I would not make either.  Over doing often causes me to drop down below what I consider neutral.   Being in pain is a whammy of a downer for me.  Worrying about people I love also can trigger a down episode.  Sometime I just hit bottom for no apparent reason.  Those times are the hardest to face.  I feel like a robot or an empty balloon right now, and expect my writing to sound very flat. When I am up I feel very creative. When I am down I get very analytical.

How I am dealing with it is how I always deal with depression.   I would rather say down rather than depressed, but will not dodge the word during this blog, because depression is what it is.  I re-frame how I am feelings. I do lots of self-talk.  I honor the down because it is there for a reason.  I don’t feel embarrassed or mad at  myself.  Pretending I am not Bipolar is not a path I take.  I don’t fight it either.  I also know that this depression will end, sooner or later.  I would love to find a container of emotional helium and plug it into to me and fill my energy and spirit up to neutral, but don’t see one in sight today.  Sometimes I have felt paralyzed with fatigue.  Those times I have just said to myself, “Boy you must need lots of rest to get over this one”.

I have been going down for at least a day.  I could feel myself slipping, almost like I was on a sandy hillside slipping slowly without the ability to dig my heels into the earth   to stop.  I have finally stopped sliding, thank goodness.  In the past, writing has helped me out of the hole I felt I was in, but not tonight.

I spent today reading blogs of others who are brave enough to share their experiences.  That has made me feel like I have company, and that many out there in this would know how I am feeling, and that they understand.  That is comforting.

I love sayings.  I have a pile that I am going to share in the future.  I will end with three.  One is  “Attitude is a habit.”  That one is an original from me I think.  At least I have never heard  it before. The second one is ‘No matter where you go there you are”.  That one is Buddhist I think.  The last one I will share for tonight is “I know that you believe that you understand what you think I said, But I am not sure you realize that what you heard is  not what I meant!”

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About ahuelon

Marty: Retired from sales and management near Seattle, Washington.
This entry was posted in Bipolar, Mental Illness and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to My See Saw Life

  1. mckarlie says:

    I think that’s great advice, to write through the highs and lows, i know for myself it often helps me work through the negative feelings as i write and if not it’s always good to look back through things when my mood has changed, gives you really good insight into yourself as we can often forget the other side of the coin. I usually just bunker down for my depressive episodes, this last one went the better part of a year and has been horrible but i’m on the upswing now, the part i like! all the best with your journey

    Like

  2. amommasview says:

    First of all: I think it is great that you share this! I can imagine that it takes a lot to write about the high and lows… And second: I love the sayings you mentioned. Especially the last one.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. ahuelon says:

    I have never told anyone when I was down. This was hard. Society has no clue what we live through, I was having a manic episode a couple of weeks ago when I first began blogging. I e-mailed my friend who was helping me with setting up my blog and told him what was happening,and that I was taking notes and would write about it when I leveled out. He e-mailed me back and said BLOG RIGHT NOW. So if it had not been for his encouragement, that blogging in real time when things were not perfect would be helpful, I would never in a million years done it .Thanks for reading and leaving a comment. That in itself is encouragement.

    Liked by 1 person

    • atridim says:

      Your blog post while being down breaks ‘bipolar ice’ and convinces me that your excellent writing skills do not let up when you are ‘down’. In fact, your words come across to me as being honest and ‘down to earth’. I believe they are words that will connect with honesty to your audience. I urge you to blog without hesitance during the down times.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. abodyofhope says:

    Thank you for writing about your journey and for sharing some encouragement with your readers. I believe in the first one very much because I think it is helpful. And the last one is just so true!!!
    And thank you for visiting my pg. I’m brand new to blogging and it means a lot to me ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • ahuelon says:

      Thanks for you interest. I am surprised at how scary writing about the condition I have lived with for so long and have kept buried would be. I wasn’t even aware of how deeply my feeling and memories were buried. Your comment helped give me courage to continue. When I began writing two weeks ago I never believed anyone would read my blogs. I am blown away.

      Liked by 2 people

  5. Im sorry you are down at the moment, I relate, I hope things get better quickly. I would totally agree with the blogging during the ups and downs. I have nominated you for the Liebster Award, I hope that helps. Your support has been so important to me. And I really appreciate everything you have said to help me.

    Like

    • ahuelon says:

      I am feeling better today. I don’t stay down for long. It just bugs me that I over do, because I know I will pay for it. The downs don’t scare me like they once did. I wonder where sadness becomes depression? I am thinking about blogging about my nutty thoughts about the brain. Getting a reply is like getting a pat on the back and we all need those. Thanks for caring. Love awards even if they are imaginary or not. I wish I could publish the pictures that are in my brain. I just want a good nights sleep damn it.

      Like

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