Today was predictable but the intensity was its own. I am down and really did not want to blog about it. Someone who has encouraged me to blog about being Bipolar encouraged me to write while I was experiencing highs and lows, so here I am, doing it. I mention intensity because no two highs or lows are exactly alike, they do have similarities. The predictably is because I sort of expected to come down, because I had a killer week and expended more energy than normal. I had lots of appointments to go to and had a 175 mile car trip among them. I usually plan a little better and spread things out. I actually enjoyed some of the activities, like seeing a friend, having a great day with a granddaughter, and having a wonderful message from my therapist who has been off for a month with a broken wrist.
This morning when I woke up tired I knew I was in trouble. I had plans for two activities today and was looking forward to doing them both, and knew I would not make either. Over doing often causes me to drop down below what I consider neutral. Being in pain is a whammy of a downer for me. Worrying about people I love also can trigger a down episode. Sometime I just hit bottom for no apparent reason. Those times are the hardest to face. I feel like a robot or an empty balloon right now, and expect my writing to sound flat. When I am up I feel creative. When I am down I get very analytical.
How I am dealing with it is how I always deal with depression. I would rather say down rather than depressed, but will not dodge the word during this blog, because depression is what it is. I re-frame how I am feelings. I do lots of self-talk. I honor the down because it is there for a reason. I don’t feel embarrassed or mad at myself. Pretending I am not Bipolar is not a path I take. I don’t fight it either. I also know that this depression will end, sooner or later. I would love to find a container of emotional helium and plug it into to me and fill my energy level and spirit up to neutral, but don’t see one in sight today. Sometimes I have felt paralyzed with fatigue. Those times I have just said to myself, “Boy you must need lots of rest to get over this one”.
I have been going down for at least a day. I could feel myself slipping, almost like I was on a sandy hillside slipping slowly without the ability to dig my heels into the earth to stop. I have finally stopped sliding, thank goodness. In the past, writing has helped me out of the hole I felt I was in, but not tonight.
I spent today reading blogs of others who are brave enough to share their experiences. That has made me feel like I have company, and that many out there in this would know how I am feeling, and that they understand. That is comforting.
I love sayings. I have a pile that I am going to share in the future. I will end with three. One is “Attitude is a habit.” That one is an original from me I think. At least I have never heard it before. The second one is ‘No matter where you go there you are”. That one is Buddhist I think. The last one I will share for tonight is “I know that you believe that you understand what you think I said, But I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant!”