Losing Myself in Depression

The past two weeks have been full of depression, not a fun time.  I wish I could figure out why my chemistry goes haywire.  When the depression takes over I do not feel present.  I lose who I believe I am.  I have no sense of humor, no joy, and can’t concentrate.  I can’t focus on any meaningful project, and that drives me nuts.  A little play on words there.  I feel deflated and empty. The nothingness is so lonely.  I feel worthless and hopeless temporally.   I know it will pass. I usually just hide until it passes, and it does eventually. I wake up tired and literally feel too tired to sleep.  I know that doesn’t make sense, but that is how it feels to me.  I tried to write about how I was feeling but felt too paralyzed to even turn on my computer.

I am feeling a little better right now.  I spend a lot of time trying to figure things out during and after an episode. My thoughts range from wondering when sadness becomes depression, to thinking about possible triggers that I have noted in the past.  Some triggers  have been physical pain, the feeling of helplessness , and letting myself get too fatigued. Another is dealing with bad news involving someone dear to me.  I try to tell myself that I should not invest energy in situations  I have no control over, but when things happen to people that are important to me that self advice is hard to follow.

This Fall I witnessed  the disappointment of a grandson who injured  himself to the point where he had to have surgery to repair the damage.  He  will miss his entire Junior year of sports participation in high school. He is a very good athlete. He was a valuable  member of his football team last year, made varsity in basketball as a sophomore, and went to state in track last Spring.  I was watching him play in the game that he tore his ACL in the first quarter of the first game of football season this  Fall.  The following week I cried when I saw him limp onto the field with his team in street clothes,  knowing he was facing surgery.

A few weeks ago I heard that my grandson-in-law has a serious and  chronic illness.  A blog I published called “When Bad Things Happen to Good People…..Where is Faith’ talks about the problem in more detail.  He  will  most likely have to have treatments and medication for it for the rest of his life.  He and my granddaughter have a three year old son and an eight month old daughter.

These are situations I have no control over.  However I am deeply affected by these events. I have tried to turn my concerns and fears over to God ,but they still weigh heavily on my heart.  I even know that these events will offer  opportunities for growth to the ones facing these challenges,  but those thoughts  have had  little effect on easing my pain.  I thought I had dealt with these two issues, but maybe not.  Then maybe they have nothing to do with these current depressions.

When the depressions have passed I feel pressures because of chores that have piled up and need my attention.  They remind me of the wasted time I spent depressed.  This is a two-sided dagger.  I feel guilty that I was paralyzed and  unable to function. My intellect tells me the depression  was not of my choosing, but I still feel guilty.  Intellectually I understand I had no control, but my feelings don’t match my thoughts.  I am trying to flush these feelings of pressure, and am trying to  just get on with life.

I have faced more ups and downs because of my blogging.  Remembering some events in my life are not fun to revisit.  However I started blogging to share my journey, and the past is part of that story.  I think I can share some insight on being Bipolar that might be helpful to other suffers.  I have been humbled  by reading other bloggers stories and their  struggles and successes.  I want to be as courageous as those brave  souls.

I know my emotions can change on a dime.  It has happened in the past.  Why can’t I control that action?

Darn it. I wish I could go to Amazon and buy a filter for my emotions.  Wouldn’t that be great?


About ahuelon

Marty: Retired from sales and management near Seattle, Washington.
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16 Responses to Losing Myself in Depression

  1. I hope you feel better soon.

    “I have faced more ups and downs because of my blogging. Remembering some events in my life are not fun to revisit.” I completely relate to this.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’ve just come through an episode too, and I linked it to my blog, your right when revisiting things past, it brings some turmoil, but again I can look at it with a fresh eye.

    changing things we have no control over is a lesson in futility, but we do it anyway, but when you feel so deeply it has a different meaning.

    Feel better soon, and keep writing you have much to say and offer with your experiences.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. atridim says:

    Hi Marty, great blog post.
    Watch out for those ‘pressures’ that build up. They can outdo anyone. It takes strong willpower to allow anyone to manage the ‘pressures’.
    I do not know what the answer is but I think experimenting with mind ‘exercise’ might help.
    I am an engineer…not a doctor…but sometimes I think I would have made a good one. Too late now…so I try as I can to compensate.
    15 years ago I made a New Years resolution on 1/1/2000 to begin walking to address health issues including high blood pressure. It was a resolution I have faithfully kept ever since…by walking a couple of miles almost every day. I now have over 7,500 walking miles logged…about the equivalent of walking across America from one coast to the other three times. My point here is not my accomplishment…but rather to relate a very special secret that I learned in the process. There is something special that occurs in the mind during a walk…especially a walk along a new or different route. It is a secret that facilitates mind control and destroys thoughts of depression…and most importantly limits manic thoughts. I have discovered that beginning each and every day with a two mile walk…exercises the mind and brings everything into proper focus. It is the world’s greatest mind exercise I can think of…one that I have tested and proven for 7,500 miles almost every day for the past 15 years. It works with amazing results. It quashes thoughts of depression and harnesses manic thoughts. A two mile walk every morning exercises the mind to think clearly every hour of every day. It might not work for everyone…but I would like to pose a challenge to you to test it.
    Marty, I challenge you to begin walking 2 miles every day, rain or shine. Make it a ritual as I have…where your day is not complete unless it began with the walk. Do you accept my challenge?
    Lets not stop there. How about your readers? I offer them the same challenge!
    Captain Rick…your blogmeister
    PS. This is a link to my ‘HBP World Trek’ on my blog: https://atridim.wordpress.com/ricks-hbp-world-trek/

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Marty Patterson says:

    I will have to take it more slowly since I need a double knee replacement. Thanks for the encouragement.

    Liked by 1 person

    • ahuelon says:

      I will begin walking tomorrow.

      Liked by 1 person

      • atridim says:

        Wonderful! Start a log of your walks…no matter how short they are. Your log will inspire you to keep on walking. I want to hear your results…every day…especially what you and your mind talked about during your walk! (I am not kidding…you will have great talks…I promise!) Share it in a daily blog report. If you can make this work, we will need to create a new tab on your blog menu…perhaps called ‘Marty’s Trek to combat Bipolar.’


  5. ahuelon says:

    Is the blog menu on the right of my home page? I am going to have to begin by counting steps and not miles. How do I post daily and not have it show up as a main blog? I have started sitting in front of my SunRay light to counter depression caused by low levels of light during the Fall and Winter. You may have to send me an e-mail to explain the new tab and how to use it. Have to run now and start counting steps. loved your commentary on Awards, etc. I agreed with all you said there.

    Liked by 1 person

    • atridim says:

      Hi Marty, thanks for challenging yourself to do your trek. I am watching your progress on ‘Marty’s Bipolar Trek’ on your menu. I will comment at the bottom of it from time to time to give you ideas to help you succeed on your trek. Steps are fine. Its not how far you go…its the progress you make!
      Light lifts the spirit. Its one of the plusses one gets during a daytime walk. However, the UV in solar rays, as well as those from a sun lamp cause skin cancer. I have already had two bouts with BC Carcinoma. I don’t welcome another. I never walk or bike without my exposed skin covered with SPF50 sunscreen…and I always were my 16″ rim diameter straw hat (It has become a famous symbol of ‘Captain Rick’ in my neighborhood, which covers about a 1 mile radius of my Oasis ). I suggest you stop the SunRay therapy unless you coat exposed skin with a minimum of SPF50 sunscreen.


  6. ahuelon says:

    Thanks for the info, I will begin sun screen when I use light.


  7. abodyofhope says:

    Yes, wouldn’t that be nice if Amazon sold a regulator or something? They really do have everything!
    Thank you for sharing your journey. It’s hard to say, “I hope you feel better soon!” as it feels flip. This is a chronic thing and you manage this every day. I hope you find comfort today, joy and gratitude in your day. God be with you on your journey.

    PS, because I have RSD/CRPS, if your grandson can take 500 mgs of vitamin C every day, research shows his healing will speed up and his risk for permanent nerve damage will greatly decline. Sorry, just had to say it, lol. Hope HE feels better soon as he will heal up and return to health- especially with the support of his grandma ❤


  8. ahuelon says:

    I am feeling better. I will start blogging again soon.

    Liked by 1 person

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