The past two weeks have been full of depression, not a fun time. I wish I could figure out why my chemistry goes haywire. When the depression takes over I do not feel present. I lose who I believe I am. I have no sense of humor, no joy, and can’t concentrate. I can’t focus on any meaningful project, and that drives me nuts. A little play on words there. I feel deflated and empty. The nothingness is so lonely. I feel worthless and hopeless temporally. I know it will pass. I usually just hide until it passes, and it does eventually. I wake up tired and literally feel too tired to sleep. I know that doesn’t make sense, but that is how it feels to me. I tried to write about how I was feeling but felt too paralyzed to even turn on my computer.
I am feeling a little better right now. I spend a lot of time trying to figure things out during and after an episode. My thoughts range from wondering when sadness becomes depression, to thinking about possible triggers that I have noted in the past. Some triggers have been physical pain, the feeling of helplessness , and letting myself get too fatigued. Another is dealing with bad news involving someone dear to me. I try to tell myself that I should not invest energy in situations I have no control over, but when things happen to people that are important to me that self advice is hard to follow.
This Fall I witnessed the disappointment of a grandson who injured himself to the point where he had to have surgery to repair the damage. He will miss his entire Junior year of sports participation in high school. He is a very good athlete. He was a valuable member of his football team last year, made varsity in basketball as a sophomore, and went to state in track last Spring. I was watching him play in the game that he tore his ACL in the first quarter of the first game of football season this Fall. The following week I cried when I saw him limp onto the field with his team in street clothes, knowing he was facing surgery.
A few weeks ago I heard that my grandson-in-law has a serious and chronic illness. A blog I published called “When Bad Things Happen to Good People…..Where is Faith’ talks about the problem in more detail. He will most likely have to have treatments and medication for it for the rest of his life. He and my granddaughter have a three year old son and an eight month old daughter.
These are situations I have no control over. However I am deeply affected by these events. I have tried to turn my concerns and fears over to God ,but they still weigh heavily on my heart. I even know that these events will offer opportunities for growth to the ones facing these challenges, but those thoughts have had little effect on easing my pain. I thought I had dealt with these two issues, but maybe not. Then maybe they have nothing to do with these current depressions.
When the depressions have passed I feel pressures because of chores that have piled up and need my attention. They remind me of the wasted time I spent depressed. This is a two-sided dagger. I feel guilty that I was paralyzed and unable to function. My intellect tells me the depression was not of my choosing, but I still feel guilty. Intellectually I understand I had no control, but my feelings don’t match my thoughts. I am trying to flush these feelings of pressure, and am trying to just get on with life.
I have faced more ups and downs because of my blogging. Remembering some events in my life are not fun to revisit. However I started blogging to share my journey, and the past is part of that story. I think I can share some insight on being Bipolar that might be helpful to other suffers. I have been humbled by reading other bloggers stories and their struggles and successes. I want to be as courageous as those brave souls.
I know my emotions can change on a dime. It has happened in the past. Why can’t I control that action?
Darn it. I wish I could go to Amazon and buy a filter for my emotions. Wouldn’t that be great?