Parenting Has An Expiration Date

I see parenting as having four phases in guiding children to becoming succesful adults. I call phase one, THE FOUNDATION, phase two, EXPLORATION, phase three, REBELLION AND SEPARATION, and phase four, LETTING GO. The last phase is the time parenting should “expire” and be replaced with friendship. Each phase is approximately seven years  beginning at birth.snipped kids, parents, and grandparents

Phase one is the foundation a child needs to stand on for a lifetime. Babies’ only awareness, in the beginning, are the five senses they are born with, hearing, sight, taste, smell, and feel. I believe when these five senses are favorably met by the infant-parent exchange a sense of trust begins to develop. The child is bombarded with a vast number of learnings that the parent can only stand back and watch and be cheerleaders, like coaxing them to turn over, crawl, walk and begin trying to communicate with sounds that end up turning into words.  Later during this phase parents have opportunities to introduce social adventures, like play dates, taking them on adventures, and outings, and can introduce simple games and activities that help kids gain confidence in themselves. Personalities have been developed by the end of this phase. Consistency is needed here and in All future phases. At the end of Phase One parents have put in place a road map that will impact their child’s future.

In phase two parents get to see a hint of  their children spreading their wings. Parents get some support in parenting, because teachers outside the home are added to the mix. Entering the education system adds many new experiences. Parents need to be onboard and involved with what the kids are taught in their schools. Children can’t distinguish between quality education and nonsense at this age, so parents need to be VERY involved with the school they select for their child. This phase is also a time sports, music lessons, and other creative activities come into play in the childs lives, another step towards independence for the child. Again the parent gets to be cheerleaders. Phase two plants the seeds for understanding the importance of responsibility, values, respecting self and others, consequences, and more. They are introduced to societies’ “safe keepers”. Here parents can explain the jobs of firemen, policemen and even why an ambulance  screams bye with sirens blaring. During this phase children love to learn and  ask lots of questions about what they are seeing outside their home base. They are ripe for learning so explain, explain, explain. Being plugged into children’s lives by listening to things that seem like nothing at all can be powerful glue that bonds and builds trust, so that when something important comes along the child naturally turns to the parent and not someone who might not be trust worthy.

In my model phase three happens between ages  fourteen and twenty-one. Here is where rebellion and separation emerges. Parents get a birdseye view of what their kids have learned and who they are becoming. They get to see the lessons they have tried to teach their kids and see what has  made the grade. This segment can be bumpy, but is necessary. I think rebellion is triggered by the child’s review of their experiences, and begin placing  values on what they have learned. Some of the conclusions they come up with are not always accurate, as their brains won’t be fully developed until they reach the age of 25. They sometimes can’t see around the corner, so to speak. This is also a time when they probably think they know it all, and this presents a perfect time for healthy debate between parent and child for guidance. Formal education is coming to an end during this phase and adulthood is just around the corner. Also be reminded that children need understanding and forgiveness the most when they least deserve it, a great reminder for this period.

The last, and forth phase is when the process changes dramatically, and the need for parenting expires. This period is most liberating for the kids and sometimes the hardest phase for parents. This is a time to drop the role of parenting, and go in a different direction, to become friends. This is a time to stop offering  guidance and direction unless asked. Parents need to have faith that they have done their best as parents. Succesful parents have raised children who have developed enough confidence to jump out of the nest and fly away into uncharted waters, without fear. When a parent keeps wanting to make decisions for their kids, and interfere, they are saying that they think they did a lousy job at parenting, and are trying to get a “Redo”.  If any parent resists “letting go” by saying, “I want to protect them from making mistakes”  remember that they  themselves probably made mistakes at this time in their  lives, and survived. Let these young adults make mistakes. They will survive as well. Some of the greatest lessons come from stumbling. There is nothing more profound than making a mistake and figuring it out, and kids deserve this valuable experience. Don’t cheat them!

One place I hope parents never go is to try to piggyback on their kids. Wanting to live through your children’s accomplishments and lives is both selfish on the parents part  and burdensome to their children. And wanting them to be just like them in beliefs and goals is not realistic for either. They need to feel free to be authentic.

Young adults have a responsibility in Phase Four to take an active part in their development. I think this is a time to put all beliefs and values learned over their life on the table, so to speak, and reevaluate them. Many beliefs were learned when there were  no filters in place, that experience teaches.  Another point that fits here is that sometime kids pick up ideas that are false, or they get programmed with thoughts or beliefs that can cause roadblocks in their future. I call this baggage. These metaphorical bags need to be emptied and repacked as many times as necessary until the parcel supports the young adult’s life goals. This might be a great place for conservations to materialize between parent and young adults. This could be a huge opportunity to reinforce the transition from parenting to friendship that could be rewarding for both.

Each parent needs to remember that they only can live one life, and that is their own. No perfect parent exists. Hopefully they have taught their kids many tools for success. Kids don’t always absorb all of the lessons they are offered, but the seeds have been sowed and are there for future learning and growth. Hopefully parents are succesful in this fourth phase and can be a valuable part of their adult children’s lives in positive and supportive ways. Developing friendships with adult children is packed full of magnificent rewards.

Posted in Blogging, Cause & Effect, Child Rearing, Comunications, education, Emotional Health, emotions, Family, Fear, Generation, Growth, Healthy expressions of love, Human Nature, Life Process, Parent love, Parenting, Phases in parenting, Problem Solving, Psychic, Purpose, Society, Stories from the heart, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Talking and Listening are Worlds Apart………..HEARING IS AN ART

I wrote this in Sept. of 2014 and think this is full of wisdom. I relay a list from someone calling out to be heard. Tell me what you think.

AHUELON NEWS JOURNAL

Communicating from my heart and soul about being Bipolar is my passion and goal.  Having begun to blog about my illness, and reading others sharing their journey as well, has been liberating for me.   I do not feel alone. I believe those of us willing to open up and tell our stories are giving those who are truth seekers a gift of knowledge and understanding of mental illness that professionals can not deliver.

I think there is an art to HEARING that many struggle with.  I saved an article that I read years ago that highlights this notion, from a girl who wrote her heart out with a list of questions.  I want to share it with you.

“When I ask you to listen to me and you start giving advice, you have not done what I asked.

When I ask you to listen to me and you begin…

View original post 174 more words

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

The Death of Conversation … by Smart Phone

Good grief we need some laughter but this is kinda sad. This pairs nicely with my blog on social media changing freindships below.

Atridim News Journal

What happened to the times when people actually talked to each other? It seems like everyone has their head stuck in their smart phone. They can’t drive, walk, work, eat or even relax without one planted in front of their face. I present a few comics to demonstrate the ‘The Death of Conversation … by Smart Phone’.

imageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimage

Links:

View original post

Posted in Cause & Effect, Comunications, Death of conservations, Friendship, Human Nature, Media, Smart Phones, Snowflakes, Social Media, Society, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , | 1 Comment

Humor Break: Republicans & Democrats … Man in a boat & Woman in a hot air balloon

I think reality can be funny. This certainly is true and funny…at least to me. From a friend and fellow blogger Captain Rick

Atridim News Journal

Captain Rick: A couple in a hot air balloon realized they were lost. They spotted a couple in a boat below and lowered their altitude so they could shout to each other. The following conversation took place …

Lady in balloon: “Excuse me, can you help us? I promised a some friends we would meet them an hour ago, but we don’t know where we are at.

Man in boat: The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a water elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and
100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.”

Lady in balloon: She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be a Republican.”

Man in boat: “I am. How did you know?”

image

Lady in balloon: “Well, everything you told me is technically correct, but I have…

View original post 147 more words

Posted in Blame, Cause & Effect, Comunications, Democrats, Mindlessness, Problem Solving, Republicicans, Responsibility, Snowflakes, Uncategorized | 1 Comment

By Seven You Are Set

Today is my seventh birthday. I would like to tell my mom what the past seven years have looked like through my eyes. I want her to know what I have learned over these past seven years. I am going to do this in my mind, because she always knows what I am thinking.
Snipped baby picture keep.

The minute I was born I saw a drastic differences in my world compared to the one I was familiar with.  Before, when I was in her tummy, I felt warm and cozy. I heard many sounds, but they were muffled. I felt a sense of floating. After I was out on my own I felt the effects of gravity, my lungs filled with air, and I had my first experience with breathing on my own. The light in the room was so bright that I wanted to cover my eyes, but couldn’t. I made a sound that I had not needed before. I no longer heard or felt the comfort of mom’s heartbeat that was present from my first memory. Sounds were pronounced, and I had my first experience with smell. Everything looked and felt BIG.  Once I was placed on my moms tummy I felt safe and secure. I could again hear and feel her heart beating, and could smell her special scent that would calm me in my first few days as a miniature human being. The next few months became a blur, because I slept most of the time, unless I needed to eat. I found if I was hungry or uncomfortable all I had to do was make my special sound and someone was there to do what ever I needed to make me happy, and it was usually mom.

I am sure glad I got all of that sleep, because I encountered a lot of changes in that first year or so and needed to be well rested to get through all of them. I learned to roll over, sit up, crawl, stand, and walk. I remember I felt the most rewards from crawling, because I could go many places. Standing was the scariest, because balance was hard, and falling down dozens of times a day was not a lot of fun, but I never gave up.  I had a special cheerleader along the way. I realize now that having a brother two years older than me was an asset. He could probably remember having the same struggles and probably gave me some pointers along the way.  He had more time, than mom and dad, to spend with me.  He was probably impatient for me to become his play mate and buddy. Mom told him I was coming when I was in her tummy and he was excited. I think he might have been disappointed when I came out so small.

When I got a little older eating on my own was a challenge. I desperately wanted to get those bits of banana and Cheerios in my mouth, that mom put on a tray attached to a special chair, made just for me. My arms flew all over the place.  I made a terrible mess, but mom just smiled, knowing I would finally gain the coordination to eventually hit my mouth. I remember watching the family eat and wondered if I would ever master such a task. My support system made sure I never went hungry.  I also remember the day I surprised my parents with a short sentence.  I was sitting in my car seat as we pulled up to a drive through, fast-food, eatery. I immediately said “burger and fries please”. “Please” was used a lot in our house, as I recall. Mom and Dad were so surprised, because I knew very few words, and seldom put them together.Snipped kids at play.PNG

As I got older potty training became an issue for mom, but not me. I was perfectly happy with the arrangement of doing my business and letting her clean me up. But on one eventful day mom and I were on a walk and passed a building that housed a preschool. I peered in the window and said that I wanted to join in the fun the kids were having. Mom said, “Well, all of the kids in the class were potty trained, so until I was I would not be allowed to go there.” As soon as we got home I scampered to the bathroom and did my business. I was enrolled in that Preschool the following week.Snipped kids 6.PNG

I remember mom and dad teaching me to play board games and even chess.  One day, when I was just three years old, grandma came to spend the day with me. We played chess and I beat her. When I heard dad come home I yelled, “I beat grandma at chess”. I remember thinking I might have hurt her feelings, so I added, “But she made a bone head move”.  I could never figure out why everyone started laughing. I remember some of my favorite toys. The very best one appeared when we got a new washing machine. My brother and I showed so much interest in the big cardboard box it came in that mom let us play in it in the family room. We spent hours pretending it was a fort or cabin. We even took some naps in it until it was literally falling apart. I think dad tried to extend its life with packaging tape, but it finally died of natural causes.

I remember you talking to me, reading me books, and explaining things to me. You tried to answer all of my questions, which were many, as I had a curiosity beyond belief. I wanted to know how everything around me worked. I have memories of not understanding what you were saying, but just loved you spending time with me. At some point I started understanding the meaning of your words. That was frustrating, because I didn’t, have the language skills to respond. It was apparent to me that understanding words came long before language was developed. I soon started to learn to say words and let you know that I understood what you were saying. I loved your reading the same books over an over until I could catch you when you tried to skip a page. When I finally got the hang of speech I think I talked  non-stop, which I am sure was a little tiresome for you. I remember when you and dad realized I was paying attention even if you were not talking to me. The family was on a motor trip. My dad stopped at a stop sign and another driver almost hit us. The word “Idiot” flew out of my mouth.  My parents looked at each other with the knowledge that I had been listening closely and was repeating something I had heard while being a passenger. Future trips seemed more calm after that.

One scary lesson I lived through was the first time you left me somewhere I was not familiar with.  You told me the circumstances of why I was going to have to be there and told me you would be back, but I was not so sure.  What if you were giving me away?  Your words were true and you returned to take me home.  I think I experienced what trust was that day.snippwd kids with parrents.PNGThanks mom and dad for giving me a strong foundation for growing up to be a good person. You taught me building blocks that included learning to trust. You let me struggle with projects that helped me learn how to figure things out. You also didn’t rescue me when I was struggling with my two left feet and lack of coordination. I learned that failing can be the first step towards succeeding.  You always encouraged me to keep trying when I struggled, and never made me feel bad when I goofed up, and that showing my feelings was ok. You gave me opportunities to imagine and experiment with crazy ideas that flew in and out of my brain at a rapid pace. You and Dad played with me and made me appreciate nature in so many fun ways.You even taught me how to pull weeds in our flower and vegetable garden. I was very proud when I got to tell my teacher at school that our family ate carrots that I helped plant and grow. I think you both helped me establish a healthy lens for me to see the world and be succesful. I love you and my family so  much. And I hope my birthday cake is chocolate, and that I can have as much ice cream as I want today because it is my seventh birthday and I am set for life.

Posted in Cause & Effect, Child Rearing, education, emotions, Family, Generation, Parenting, Pediatrics, Problem Solving, Society | Tagged , , , | 1 Comment

Autopilot Parenting Worked Decades Ago

Decades ago “Autopilot” parenting was safe, because there was a continuity in society, unlike today. Back in the 40’s through about the 70’s the model for raising children was infused with clarity. The goals during that era were supported by society at every level. Communities were in sync with the idea of  raising healthy and productive children, so they would enter adulthood well equipped to face adult challenges.

Family was the centerpiece of children’s lives, well-defined and more stable than they appear to be today. Most families had stay-at-home moms, who cooked healthy meals from “scratch”, managed theirs homes with precision, and were cheerleaders for their husbands and children. Parents  were aware of what was being taught in their scsnipped family pic.PNGhools and churches, and approved of the message their kids were learning. The styles of the day in clothing were modest. There was neither the desire or need to “Let it all hang out”. Foul language was frowned on, and was considered a sign of an inadequate vocabulary for expressing ones self. Electronic devices were nonexistent, and social media did not exist. Kids played their hearts out from dawn to dusk during summers away from school and on week-ends during the school year, out side in the sunlight. Neighborhoods were full of comrades and friends. I don’t remember kids going to foster homes. Communities provided orphanages that housed kids in dorm styled rooms.  These institutions had their own on site schools, and cooking and eating facilities. The goal was to try to replicate family life for these children. Multiple children from a family were not separated, but kept together.

Schools taught reading, writing, arithmetic, social studies, history, and science, and left sex education and religious concepts to parents, and to the churches the families attended.  The churches in turn taught their interpretation of their believes and avoided politics. The separation of church and state was understood and honored. Respect was taught, and kids did not rebel. Teachers did not have to police their classes. Lessons could be absorbed in a safe environment, unlike todays classrooms. Bullies were not tolerated, and the American flag was saluted daily.snipped family 4

Even the business communities promoted a healthy environment.  Most  retail stores opened at eight or nine in the morning and closed by five or six in the evening, Monday through Saturday. The exception was on Thursdays, when stores stayed opened until nine. City streets were practically empty on Sundays, since all retail establishments were closed.  The exception was a few restaurants who were filled with families after church.  The drug stores and “gas stations” rotated so some employees could have an occasional Sunday off.  Eventually Seven eleven convenience stores opened.  As their name indicates, they opened at seven and closed at eleven, seven days a week. The retail community helped strengthen families. Working parents went home at the end of the work day, sat with their families at the dinner table and ate a home cooked meal, helped with their kids homework, if necessary, and did whatever the family chose to do with the remainder of the evening.Snipped family 3

Laws were clearly defined and respected. The only vices back then, were alcohol, tobacco and gambling, as I recall. Communities welcomed the support of the men in blue. Children were taught to respect police, and that  they were their friends.  If you asked a little boy what he wanted to be when he grew up during the 40’s and 50’s “Policeman” was usually on his list.

Communities, families, schools, churches, and society on a whole taught the same version of  self-control, values, goals, morals, respect, the concept of cause and effect, and love of country. Being Politically correct was not needed, because common sense, and respect was taught and practiced. I wish society today would draw on the lessons of yesterday, and get their act together to help save our leaders of tomorrow.

I realize we can’t turn back the clock. Electronic devices and social media will probably be around until something new comes along. Many other things are different as well. But wouldn’t it be nice if parents could revisit the lessons from history and pull out ideas that worked, and retool their approach where parenting is concerned. Our children and youth desperately need a strong and well thought out plan for becoming successful citizens, and the first teachers they have in life are their parents. Please, lets stop cranking out Snowflakes.

Posted in Burying Truth is deadlyier than Cyaniade, Child Rearing, Family, Generation, Parenting, Snowflakes, Social Media, Society | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

REWARDS OF BEING AWAKE & AWARE

Intuition is the result of being in the moment and being tuned in to what is happening. Words that come to mind are feelings, gut reactions, hunches, perception, ESP, instinct,  and  having a sixth sense. I think it could  be considered one of the highest forms of awareness in the universe. Recognising intuition is a great thermometer for measuring if one is on the right path. I think our youth and the Snowflakes in the world are missing this link of awareness, maybe because of drugs, alcohol, lazy thinking, and a result of the fake education they are getting.

snipped intuision.PNG

Parents develop it with their kids. Exceptional teachers, inventors, great journalist and investigators are some who have developed this sixth sense. A mom that is considered to have “eyes in the back of her head” is exercising this gift.

Intuitive moments are indications that a special energy is present.  If I go in a room and feel vibes, that could be either good or bad, I pay attention.  I have a friend who I can read like a book. I can tell the minute I lay eyes on this person whether she is in a good or bad place at that moment. This kind of insight can be valuable in the workplace and in life in general.

I remember a moment of being “Tuned In” while teaching a class in floral design. I noticed a student who was so frozen that she just sat staring at her materials. I asked her to walk to the door and throw out her fear. I said “I can’t teach you both”. She did, and came back a different person, and was successful in doing a beautiful project.  I hope she took an additional lesson about herself away as well.

I have never been convinced that Psychics were real, but I had a visit with one whose intuitiveness blew me out of the water.   She told me that I would live on the water in the near future. I discounted her comment until I met and married a man, who lived on a beautiful fresh water lake, where I spent nineteen wonderful years. I was reminded of the Psychic’s words the first time I saw that lake.

snipped girl on sand.PNG

Kids that get into drugs and alcohol do not develop this useful tool of navigating the world.  Drugs stamp out critical thinking. What is left is a brain full of fog, and unreliable information. If “relaxation” is the goal, I believe there are healthier ways to achieve that frame of mind that isn’t destructive. It they are trying to escape problems or challenges in life those problems will be waiting when the effect of drugs and alcohol wear off. The only way to move forward is to figure out how to solve the problems and hurdles they face. Intuition can help in their journey if they are willing to face life without those crutches.

Life can be full of surprises, and developing intuitions can be a valuable tool for navigating the journey we are all on. All we probably have to do is be awake and aware.

Posted in Cause & Effect, Comunications, Draining the swamp in D.C., Drugs, ESP, Family, Friendship, Great Journalist, Intuition, Parenting, Psychic, Snowflakes, Supernatural | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment